“I just can’t.” I find myself saying this a lot lately. I’m losing it. I just can’t keep my house clean, even with the help of my family. I just can’t make myself get out of the house for no reason. I just can’t find the motivation to do all the things I need to do. I just can’t ask anybody else to do things for me. I just can’t be the parent, wife, friend, help they need. I just can’t be me. I just can’t feel better.
I spent all of last week laid up with what turned out to be a severe migraine. THAT’S NEW! I’ve never had migraines before. Now, I have to make more appointments with more doctors for more tests and more meds. I just can’t keep going down this road. I just can’t keep up with all of the health crap that is thrown at me.
After getting the headache squared away, I had to have my beloved cat of 10 years put down. I just can’t express the grief and pain at that loss. I love my boy so much. He was always such a comfort for me on my bad days, even if he was an ass every other day :).
I’m slipping into a depression again. This comes and goes. I just can’t drag myself out of it right now. I don’t know who I am, or what is going on in my head. I need to find myself again but I just can’t do that with all of my issues. I always swore I would not become my illness. Guess I failed there.
I had every intention of writing in this blog so much more often and getting a jump on this business with my friend. I always have great intentions and images of actually getting shit done and done right. But I’m realizing that, for now at least, I just can’t. And that hurts. I’ve always been somebody that finished what I started, that was independent, that was there for everybody. But I just can’t be that person anymore. I hate having all of this stripped away from me simply because of the body I was born into.
This sounds like a lot of self pity and crying, and it is. But I needed to put it out there, get it off my chest, without spewing it to my kids or husband and making them feel bad. Now, I’m off to clean house (ish) and work on a few crafts (ish). Because I can.
That’s what is happening to my energy level lately. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, and mentally all the time. There’s so much going on that I am having a hard time just doing basic things. My body aches. I cannot get comfortable. Forget sleep. Just typing this all up is making my hands hurt. UGH.
If you aren’t familiar with EDS, it is a genetic condition that effects the connective tissue in the body. It causes the tissue to be stretchier than it should be. This leads to chronic pain, dislocations, subluxations, swelling, and a whole host of other things that nobody can ever fully understand. The Dysautonomia that I deal with causes random fainting spells. I will lose consciousness with no warning. That makes walking fun!! I have dizzy spells if I look at a screen too long. My head never feels like it is on right. The doctors have ruled out a couple specific types of dysautonomia so that just raised more questions. I am a mystery to most doctors. That was fun at first. Not so much now, 6 years later. If it hadn’t been for one helpful nurse that paid attention to somebody else, I may never have gotten any diagnosis.
I’ve started a new business venture. Selling crafts and ideas with a friend. I am home all the time and, on my good days, I can get several things done to make available. Yesterday was a goodish day. I made 10 wands to sell on our site!! That’s a huge accomplishment to me!! Today, the hot glue gun is my enemy. There are all these braces and splints I could use to make life easier. But we live on one income with 6 people. My splints are not the highest priority.
I do community theater outside of the house from time to time. I’m currently working on a production that opened this past weekend. There is so much stress associated with these productions. But it’s what I do that is mine. Where I am just me. Not Mom, not Wife. I can’t give that up. While I’m working on the production, my kiddos have decided to lose their ever loving minds! STRESS!!! Right now I have 2 hours home alone. No kids, no husband, lazy animals, and nobody needing anything from me. I think I need a nap. 🙂
Oh, where to even begin. I am a mom, wife, bibliophile, geek, coffee lover, romantic, audiophile, introverted country girl. That’s a start. Unfortunately, I am all of those things stuck in a body that doesn’t like me very much. I hope to start chronicling my daily life; health junk, crazy family antics, and stories you simply couldn’t believe. I swear it gets unreal around here. Sitcoms have nothing on this chaos!! I’ve referred to my life as a beautiful disaster for a long time. After sharing a few stories, I can assure you, you will understand why.
I have Ehler Danlos Syndrome Hypermobile as well as Dysautonomia, and a whole slew of other conditions that go hand in hand. I’m not as educated as I should be on my issues, but I am learning. It’s a long process trying to figure out anything related to my health. Having great doctors helps a lot, which is why I’m struggling. Apparently, I can’t find those great doctors. I’m fighting for SSDI, supposed to have a hearing sometime this year. I’ve been fighting for so many years now. It’s exhausting.
I try my best to remain active, though that doesn’t always get me very far. I am involved in my local theater so that I can keep doing something outside of the house. It’s hit and miss and only a few months out of the year but it gives me something that’s mine and keeps my mind active. All I can say is I’m trying. This has been a roller coaster journey thus far. I don’t expect the ride to smooth out anytime soon. I need an outlet, something I can do even on my bad days. This is my outlet. This is my Real Beautiful Disaster.