I Just Can’t….

“I just can’t.” I find myself saying this a lot lately. I’m losing it. I just can’t keep my house clean, even with the help of my family. I just can’t make myself get out of the house for no reason. I just can’t find the motivation to do all the things I need to do. I just can’t ask anybody else to do things for me. I just can’t be the parent, wife, friend, help they need. I just can’t be me. I just can’t feel better.

I spent all of last week laid up with what turned out to be a severe migraine. THAT’S NEW! I’ve never had migraines before. Now, I have to make more appointments with more doctors for more tests and more meds. I just can’t keep going down this road. I just can’t keep up with all of the health crap that is thrown at me.

After getting the headache squared away, I had to have my beloved cat of 10 years put down. I just can’t express the grief and pain at that loss. I love my boy so much. He was always such a comfort for me on my bad days, even if he was an ass every other day :).

I’m slipping into a depression again. This comes and goes. I just can’t drag myself out of it right now. I don’t know who I am, or what is going on in my head. I need to find myself again but I just can’t do that with all of my issues. I always swore I would not become my illness. Guess I failed there.

I had every intention of writing in this blog so much more often and getting a jump on this business with my friend. I always have great intentions and images of actually getting shit done and done right. But I’m realizing that, for now at least, I just can’t. And that hurts. I’ve always been somebody that finished what I started, that was independent, that was there for everybody. But I just can’t be that person anymore. I hate having all of this stripped away from me simply because of the body I was born into.

This sounds like a lot of self pity and crying, and it is. But I needed to put it out there, get it off my chest, without spewing it to my kids or husband and making them feel bad. Now, I’m off to clean house (ish) and work on a few crafts (ish). Because I can.

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